How can I help you?

If there are questions you have or issues that you would like to see discussed, please let me know. I know I had many questions but I felt like I had no where to turn because no one would understand what I was going through. I want to help you if I can. If there is something in particular that you are struggling with, please feel free to share it. This blog is a safe place for you to share your heart and feelings with people who understand. If you have a question or comment that you do not want to share publicly, you may contact me via the contact page.

I want to thank you for following this blog. My intention is to develop a full website with a forum but I am not very tech savvy, so I am learning as I go. Please be patient as I work to make this blog and the website a more helpful and interactive place.

My God comfort you in your pain!

4 thoughts on “How can I help you?

  1. Hello. I know that I would not have been able to get through the last year without God.
    My husband and I separated in June 2014 when I was 8 months pregnant, I asked him to move out because even though he had finally come clean about the affair, he did not change his behaviour (continued contact with affair partner and continued staying away overnight) and was very insensitive to my pain and I was concerned about the effect all the stress was having on the baby.

    He would only ever admit to the things he thinks I know. The last few months he has wanted to come back home, however he still isn’t willing to tell me everything I want to know about the affair – he actually lied to me about the woman’s name and I found out myself – he first denied it and only after a whole year did he finally admit that he had given me a fake name. I have reason to believe that he is still in contact with her – but he denies this. I asked him to get itemised billing from his phone company to prove to me that there has been no contact but he gives silly excuses that the phone company won’t give it to him.

    He keeps talking about how the devil wants to ruin families and we can’t let him but my husband isn’t doing his part. I feel he wants us to just forget about the past and concentrate on the future. But I feel before he moves back in, he needs to first come totally clean – because I believe anything that is kept hidden, is just giving the devil another avenue in the future. I feel that God has directed me to discover lots of information that reminds me not to take my husbands word for truth even when I want to.

    I wonder what other people’s thoughts are on full disclosure. I just feel that I will never be at peace without all the information.

    Thank you

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    • While I do believe that honesty and openness are essential in order for a marriage to move forward after adultery, I am not sure I agree with full disclosure, if by full disclosure you mean he tells you everything you want to know. There are some things that you do not really NEED to know because they may be too painful and not actually benefit you. In my opinion, you should know the truth about the time frame of the affair (when it started, how long it lasted), the general information about the other woman (name, location, how they met), and if there is any continuing contact. I do not think it would be helpful for you to know the more intimate details of the relationship. Not long after I learned of my husband’s adultery and I knew the name of the woman he was involved with, I looked her up on the internet and found her myspace page. There were messages on her page between she and my husband and there were pictures of them together. There were notes on her page in which my husband used terms of endearment. To this day, I regret that I ever looked at the page because I cannot “un-see” what I saw or forget the images of them together. You have enough to deal with; you don’t need to burden yourself with information that is not going to really matter. So, decide what it is absolutely essential that you know, and don’t worry about the other stuff. Before you ask a question, make sure you are ready for the answer, because some of the answers are going to hurt you even more. So choose your questions wisely. You have many battles ahead of you still, so choose your battles carefully.

      However, with that being said, if you are ever going to be able to trust your husband again, he is going to have to be honest with you. There can be no more secrets, lies, or deception. He annihilated your trust, and it takes a LONG time to rebuild that. As long he continues to keep secrets, trust cannot be rebuilt. He must earn your trust back by proving himself trustworthy over a long period of time by his actions, not by his words. If he desires for your marriage to be saved, he should be willing to give you a list of phone calls (dates, times, etc.), allow you complete, unrestricted access to all his emails, social media accounts, text messages, etc at any time, without any warning from you. He should be where he says he is going to be, when he says he is going to be there and he should do what he says he is going to do. Basically, his life must be an open book. He destroyed your trust, but he probably has no clue how deeply he hurt you and does not fully understand the scope of the consequences of his choices. He may not understand why you need him to be honest and open, but the affair must be confronted and issues must be resolved. It is not something that can be swept under the rug with hopes that you and he can move forward.

      His unwillingness to provide you with proof that what he is telling you is true concerns me greatly. If there is nothing to hide, then he should have no problem giving you the billing information. What he does not understand is that trust must be rebuilt on your terms, not his. You cannot and should not be expected to just accept his word. He already ruined that. It is time for him to prove to you that you can trust him. I agree with him that the devil wants to destroy families, and one way that can be accomplished is for the offending party to refuse to repent, to refuse to end the relationship, and refuse to end all contact with the person and continue to lie and keep secrets. As long as he has ANY contact with woman, you will not be able to trust him. Ignoring the affair and continuing to be greatly reluctant to be honest with you is NOT the way to save your marriage.

      Healing a marriage after an affair is possible if BOTH parties are willing to engage in honest, open, and often very painful communication. It takes work and commitment from both parties. It is not easy and it does not happen quickly. His reluctance to be honest and open with you is a red flag, in my opinion. He should be willing to do whatever is necessary in order to regain your trust, regardless of how ridiculous it may seem to him (within reason). He should be willing to give you whatever you need in order to take the first step toward restoration. He must understand that you have will have doubts and questions about his trustworthiness for quite some time and be patient with you as you try to make sense of all of it. If he is unwilling to give you what you need in order for you to trust him again, then you have some tough choices to make. Only you can decide what you are and are not willing to live with.

      There are probably some questions you have right now that are not immediately important. Focus on the basics first. In time, as your marriage heals, some of your questions will be answered through the course of normal communication. Also, as time passes and you heal, you will realize that some of the things you want to know now do not matter anymore, and you will make peace with that. I have been there. It can happen. In addition, you have to walk a fine line, of sorts. You deserve to know and need to know the truth, but you also do not want to push your husband too much. He has no idea how much damage he has done, and he may honestly believe that being too honest with you will hurt you. I’m not excusing what he has done, but there is a need to view it from another perspective, too. Is his lack of honesty and openness due to his continued involvement with this woman and he does not want to end it? Or is it because he knows some details may be too painful for you right now? Only you can answer that question.

      Lastly, pray for your husband. Deception and lies got him into the adulterous relationship, and they will keep him in it. Pray that the truth of God’s word will penetrate the darkness and deception and that your husband will come to his senses. His thinking is so messed up, and he honestly cannot see it. Pray that God will bring him out of the deception and into truth and honesty so that he can see things clearly. You may be the only person who is standing in the gap for his soul.

      I know this response is long, but there is so much to be considered when you start talking about “full disclosure.” I pray that you will take my advice and counsel in the loving spirit in which it is intended and that God will give you wisdom, discernment and understanding in abundance. Please let us know if you need any more help with anything. And, remember you are not alone!

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      • Thank you for your response, I agree with you about some intimate details being unnecessary – but I’m a bit different in that I like having the blunt truth so I know the extent of the situation – people lie – my husband has tried to minimise the situation and I don’t believe the time frame of the affair that he has given me either. The only intimate question I asked was how many times they slept together – he lied about that too of course.

        ‘There can be no more secrets, lies, or deception.’

        Exactly this is my point. The problem is I think my husband actually now believes his own lies! Also, He is not the kind to allow me access to his phone, emails etc. I have tried, he made me feel like I was being silly and unreasonable.

        If I’m honest, I struggle to believe that he doesn’t get how much pain he has caused – I think any normal person would get it surely and even more so the person who is supposed to love you. I mean to Even understanding just a fraction of the pain? I have explained it so many times.

        I have given it over a year for him to come clean with the basics – I’ve tried to create an environment where he could share – but he only ever admits to what he thinks I know – he is sticking to his story.

        ‘You cannot and should not be expected to just accept his word. ‘

        But he does expect him to – he says there’s nothing he can say or do as I won’t believe him anyway!!

        I’ve come to the point now that I am drained mentally physically and emotionally. I can’t even pray properly – all I can manage is God help me.

        Anyway I think I’ve written an essay! Thanks again for responding.

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  2. Dear streetpoet12,
    This is very long, but I believe there are things you need to know from someone else who had the same problem you do. I was the victim of infidelity in 1976, and I can understand your desire to know as much as possible about the affair. But I must caution you as the moderator of this blog did, also. Do not demand too much information because you do not need to know everything you think you do or want to know. If you keep on until you get what you want to know, it will do one of two things or both: You will not even try to save your marriage, or if your marriage works out, you will always have a visualization of those things in your thoughts or both.
    I was rigid in my requirements toward my husband about the other woman. I wanted to know the where, when, how many and why of it all, also. My husband had confessed, asked forgiveness, said he loved me and told me the affair was off, but I was so angry that I would not leave it alone. I kept after him to tell all!
    He left, we divorced, I never recovered because I still loved him. Though I married twice afterwards, I was never happy. My first husband and I had two children who had to get to know their father alone and did not understand any of it. My daughter underwent counseling as a pre-teen because she internalized the divorce and blamed herself – she was not smart enough, pretty enough, good enough. This followed her into her adulthood. This is typical for daughters of divorced couples.
    The man I truly loved died in 2012. I realized much, much too late that I would rather have forgiven, required no details at all, had my family together and would not be alone, today. My daughter and son-in-law had a good Christian marriage. Then their faith was tested and in the worst way possible. God can work miracles! I have seen it in my own daughter’s marriage. She was married to a good Christian man, who was led astray and was unfaithful to her. My daughter, much like the moderator of this blog, was a praying, Bible believing Christian. She and I prayed for her husband day and night, and I prayed for my two granddaughters.
    I had long talks with my son-I-L about marriage and his promises before God and all their friends. He asked my daughter for forgiveness and she forgave and took him back. No, it was not all sweet and light, hearts, and flowers. There were arguments, heartbreak and tears on both their parts. There were confessions, secrets told but some things were withheld because he did not want to hurt her any more than she was already. She accepted that, but was convinced by a friend to view things on a page on some adult site the other woman had. There were pictures, poems even letters posted. To this day, over ten year later, she tells me she has wished she had never seen those things. They come into her mind at the worst times and bring grief to her. She said she would not wish that on her worst enemy.
    There are several comments/questions I have, that you should consider very seriously in light of your Christianity.
    1. You said, “– but I’m a bit different in that I like having the blunt truth so I know the extent of the situation – people lie.” First, you must realize that your faith is being tested through what has happened. My question: Is your husband a Christian?” ~ If so, the blunt truth is that he is a Christian who had an affair, which is a sin, no worse than any other sin! The blunt truth is that people lie, which is a sin! Anything beyond that is only fire that burns your soul and your emotions! If he is a Christian, and he asks for forgiveness, if you are a Christian, you forgive him! If your husband is a Christian, his faith was tested when Satan used the other woman to entice him and he took Satan’s bait. His faith took a bigger hit because he has to climb back UP out of the pit in which he finds himself. If both of you decide your lives will be worth saving your marriage, then you move forward.
    2. You do not say, “ I forgive you IF…” Jesus did not tell us when we asked for forgiveness of our sins, “I will forgive you if you give me full disclosure of each sin you committed.” That would be bad, because we have all committed many, many sins! God said He cast our sins as far as the East is from the West. East and West never meet. He never remembers them again! He is God, and He does not expect us to be perfect; but He does expect us to try to come as close as possible! We are told in James 1 :(NLT)“3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” God will be your help, when you forgive. He forgives with you. The pain caused by ‘blunt truth’ can prevent your reconciliation.
    3. You said, “I don’t believe the time frame of the affair that he has given me either.”~ The blunt truth is that the time frame does not matter. The only thing that matters is: (a) is it over? (b) when was it over?
    4. You said, “I asked was how many times they slept together – he lied about that too of course.” ~I might ask, “How do you know he lied about that? One time was enough! That is all your heart and mind needs to know!
    5. You say, “There can be no more secrets, lies, or deception. He is not the kind to allow me access to his phone, emails etc.” ~ He should offer them to you! Exactly! Definitely! That is where you get his passwords for his email and all other such things. If he tells you that he cannot do that, you both have a serious problem, because a marriage must be based upon trust. Trust must be earned. You must learn to trust him, again, and this is the only way it can be done. My daughter has her husband’s passwords and can go into his accounts at any time and read any and all of his emails. He no longer has a personal cell phone. BUT, you do NOT NEED any transcripts of anything you can read! You are just asking for trouble for your emotions and heart!
    6. You said, “I think my husband actually now believes his own lies!” ~ That could actually be true, but that IS NOT important now!
    7. You said, “I struggle to believe that he doesn’t get how much pain he has caused – I think any normal person would get it surely and even more so the person who is supposed to love you. I mean to Even understanding just a fraction of the pain.” Normal women get it! Men DO NOT HAVE the same emotional make up of a woman. God created men to be the warriors, the hunter-gathers and they needed to be strong and without many emotions. Women are the ones created to be the nurtures’, the mothers, the caretakers and helpmates. This requires a tender, loving heart and emotional person in which hormones play a huge, huge part! Have you ever watched fathers with children? Very, very few have the same tender response to children as mothers do.(I know some women who do not, but, I am speaking, in general.) The same emotions that cause you to hurt are the same ones that cause your response to babies and children, you cry easier than a man, etc. My son-I-L did not understand the pain he caused my daughter, either, no man does. To a women love is holding, touching, snuggling, hugging, sex. To men love is sex, holding to stimulate you, touching to stimulate you and most will not miss the others if you did not do them. That is men!
    8. You said, “I’ve tried to create an environment where he could share – but he only ever admits to what he thinks I know.” Have you told him what actually you do know? You must! He needs to know that you know ALL of the basics that are there. He needs to know that he can confess and be forgiven at the very least. Even if your marriage does not survive this, for your sake, you must forgive him. He must also know he can sit down and talk with you without being called a liar or told to prove what he is saying. That is in the past. That should have been forgiven. I know you will get upset, but you must always remember who your protector is – God, where your comfort lies – God. And remember that God loves him, his soul. If you cannot control yourself well, tell him that you will have to talk later. Healing comes at a cost, after the arguments, the tears, more hurt over things said by both of you. AFTER the two of you have decided to try to move ahead and beyond this with your marriage, do not expect a miracle overnight, in a few days or even weeks. It takes months and months of hard work to rebuild trust, and you must not throw this up just to hurt him because he hurt you or for any other reason. It will come up unexpectedly, but that cannot be helped.
    9. You said, “I can’t even pray properly – all I can manage is God help me.”~ Dear young woman, that is all you have to pray. He knows your heart. He knows your pain. Just lay in your Father’s arms and let Him love on and comfort you, His child. If you give it all to Him, He will do what is right, either way; and He will be with you through it all, either way. Just trust Him. He always does what is right. My daughter and son -in-law are happier than I have ever seen them. They are closer to God and each other. They often help others. She testifies to others about how much better their marriage is because they have weathered a severe storm and survived. They have fought Satan and won! Their faith is stronger because of that trial.
    My prayers are with you in your struggles through this test of faith!

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