I have shared with you my struggles about coming to terms with the baby conceived during my husband’s affair. Now, I am going to tell you about the choice I made, and why I made the choice. Then, I will tell you the results of my choice.
My choosing to accept or reject this baby would not change the fact that the baby existed. It would not change my husband’s moral, spiritual, or financial responsibility for the baby. I could reject the baby. I could have walked away or refused to let my husband have anything to do with him, but what good would that have done? Would it have accomplished anything good? It certainly would not have changed the situation. What was done was done, and I had a choice to make.
Like many of the other decisions I made during this time of my life, I agonized in prayer over how to handle that baby. I didn’t want anything to do with that baby, but I also wanted to do what God wanted me to do. It took a few months to really begin to see where God was leading me. My life was enormously complicated, and that baby would only make it more complicated. But, God never promised me an uncomplicated life. In fact, the opposite is true. Jesus made it clear that we would face troubles of all kinds, and James and Paul stated that truth as well in their epistles. We also see that truth throughout Scripture in the lives of Moses, Joseph, and David for example. They were called by God for a certain purpose, but fulfilling that purpose also meant embracing the troubles, pain, and trials that came with it. So, what was my purpose in this matter? What was the purpose of the matter–the whole ugly, messed up ordeal? What was the purpose of that baby? Simply put, God was using it all to clean me up–to get garbage out of me, to make me more like Jesus. To testify of God’s goodness and faithfulness. It was never about the circumstances. It was about what God wanted to accomplish in me and through me. And, if He chose to use a baby, then so be it. None of us get to choose the tools God will use to chisel away at us in the process of perfecting us.
I knew it would have been wrong to deprive my husband and that baby from having a relationship. I understand the importance of children having a relationship with their fathers. I knew the significance of the mantle of responsibility that was placed upon my husband. I could not, in good conscience, tell my husband he could not see his child or have anything to do with his child. The other woman tried to do that, but that was and is between she and God. I wasn’t going to be a hindrance. That baby needed a loving, caring father, and I knew my husband was that man.
At first, the other woman would let my husband come see his child for a couple of hours on the weekend. By this point, my husband had ended things with her, and he had determined that he would never again be alone with any woman, especially her. So, he told her he would be bringing his mother and his daughters with him. She fought it and eventually told him it was not “appropriate” for his mother and daughters to be coming with him. If he wanted to see his son, he would have to come alone. He refused to do so. She refused to budge. So, guess what he did to show me that he valued me and our marriage far more than any other person? He told me he wanted to have a relationship with his son, but he would only move forward if I was agreeable to it. He honored me by giving me a choice and letting me know that he would respect my decision, because he knew how hard it was for me. We discussed things, and both of us knew that the only way my husband could see his son without meeting the other woman’s demands was if he took her to court to obtain visitation. We both knew exactly what the implications of that decision were. But, again, my husband reiterated that he would only take that action if I was in agreement. I gave him my consent. I am actually the one who began calling attorneys so my husband could have visitation rights. That speaks volumes about what God was doing in my heart.
After an unnecessarily difficult agreement was reached and signed by my husband, the other woman, and the judge, I knew there was no going back. That baby would be a part of my life for as long as I lived. The other woman lives about 45 minutes from our home. During the drive to pick up my stepson on the first weekend my husband was scheduled to have visitation, I cried the entire way there. I told God over and over, “God, this is so hard. This is hardest thing I have ever done. I don’t know if I can do this, God.” He reassured me to trust him. He had walked every step with me so far, and He would continue to walk with me. I was not alone.
I think the main reason things were so hard for me at first is that I was terrified that every time I saw that baby, I would remember my husband’s affair, and I would feel the pain all over again. But, it wasn’t like that at all. I fell in love with that little baby boy, and he fell in love with me. I’m telling you–God worked a miracle. He gave me a supernatural love for that little boy. Everyone who has seen me with that little boy will attest to how much I love him, and how much he loves me. That little boy, the one that offended me so badly at first, has become such a blessing and joy to me. He and I have a close relationship. When he is with us, I treat him as if he is my own, because, in some ways, in the most important ways, he is. Amazingly, he isn’t a reminder of my husband’s affair, and I don’t feel pain when I see him.
You see, before that baby was conceived, God already had a plan for his life, and I was part of that plan. He was part of God’s plan for my life, too. I don’t know the other woman’s spiritual state. I don’t know if she loves Jesus, so that makes my role in that baby’s life even more important. I am a godly influence on that boy. That is part of my purpose–to influence him for God’s glory. I don’t take the responsibility God placed on me lightly. I know that just as I am leaving a godly heritage to my daughters, I am leaving a godly heritage to that little boy.
God has used that little boy to soften me, to make me more compassionate, and to show me that love never fails. I’m certain that over the years God will use that little boy to teach me more things and to bring about more godly change in me. The situation is far from ideal, and it is still complicated. Dealing with the other woman is trying and hard at times. But, I knew if I chose to accept that baby, that his mother would be an inevitable part of my life–much like the apostle Paul’s thorn in the flesh.
Some burdens can become blessings if we allow them to be. God can take any situation and turn it around. He redeems more than souls. What’s amazing is that I have seen only a small bit of the purpose of that little boy’s life, and the purpose of my life, and, despite the painful and dark path that I walked along to get where I am, God’s plans are always perfect and good.