I let myself go. I’ve been so caught up in taking care of everyone else around me that I neglected myself. I found myself losing my sense of purpose and calling; I have been weary, anxious, and run down. For quite some time, I have been asking God, “What is wrong with me? What happened to me? I don’t even know who I am anymore.” Honestly, I felt like I was just surviving and not really living. I have been waiting for the person who I was before my husband’s infidelity to appear. But, with the help of some good friends, I realized that the person I was before my husband’s affair is never coming back. What happened had a profound effect on me, and it changed me profoundly.
One of my friends asked me how I could find myself again. She challenged me to find some things that I enjoy and allow God to use those things to restore my soul. The first things that came to my mind were reading, writing, and exercising. I tend to lose myself in all of those things. The cares of the world slip away, if only for a short time. But, I realized I was going to have to take things to a whole new level. So, I have made some significant changes in my life. First, I have been reading a lot more. I have a list of classic literature novels that I want to read, and I have started going down my list. Next, after much thought and prayerful contemplation, I decided to resume this blog. I may have come out of the darkest hours of my life but that does not mean that I cannot continue to share my journey. Lastly, I have made lifestyle changes to help myself feel better physically and mentally. I walk for at least 30 minutes about 4 or 5 days a week. Sometimes I incorporate jogging into that time. In my eating habits, I have made changes. I drink lots of water. I eat smaller portions; instead of eating fatty and sugary snacks and foods, I eat a lot more fresh vegetables and fruit. The great thing is that I have lost 5 pounds since the beginning of this month. That may not seem like a lot, but it shows me that my efforts are paying off. I feel fantastic, more at peace; I have more energy; and my clothes are fitting me more loosely. My mood has improved as well. Getting out in sunshine and fresh air does wonders!
Perhaps most importantly is that I am seeking after God more passionately than I have in a long time. During my walks, I listen to Christian artists and pray and meditate on the things of God. I am finding that I am more at rest in my mind and emotions. I have renewed purpose and strength. I’m talking to God, and God is speaking to me. The same friend that encouraged me to find myself again challenged me to seek God’s peace. I have realized that I was letting people and situations rob me of my peace and joy. I was giving in to fear and anxiety. One day as I was walking, I started declaring that I was no longer going to let Satan have that power over me–he isn’t going to steal my peace and joy. Not that it’s easy; some days it is hard to cast all my cares on God and have peace, but I pray my way through it.
My husband and I frequently tell the kids that they have no control over what others say, think or do in regard to them, but they ALWAYS have a choice and can control how they respond to the things other people say and do. That same truth applies to me. I cannot control how others act or what they say, but I can control what I say, do, and think, as well as how I feel. I cannot change other people; I can only change myself with God’s help. Of course I have moments when I fail in this area, but I get back up and keep walking with God, and He works it all out. Through Christ, I am an overcomer, more than a conqueror, and I have to walk that out in my faith daily. It is not always easy; sometimes it is very difficult not to get caught up in negativity and drama from others, but I push and pray my way through it.
I’m drawing closer to God, surrendering more of myself to him every day, and I am discovering who I am; I can only find myself in Christ. He doesn’t want me to go back to the person I used to be; He wants me to become more and more like Him. To find my life in Him. That his heart and calling for me.