Tag Archive | Biblical marriage

God, I’m SO Angry!!!!

When you are mad, bitter, and resentful towards someone, it is easy to curse them. By cursing, I do not mean using “curse words,” but rather words that demean, disrespect, and denigrate them–words that are aimed at them for the purpose of hurting them. Out of your hurt, you say things in anger because you want your spouse to hurt like he hurt you. You think that by hurling insults at him, he may possibly feel just one-tenth of the pain he has inflicted on you. Maybe some of the things you think about your husband are true, and many of your feelings are understandable and normal. But, I want to urge you to think before you speak, especially when you are angry.  I cannot recall one moment in my life when speaking or acting out of emotion helped me or the situation. On the contrary, when I have spoken out of my hurt or anger, I made things worse and caused more pain to myself and to others. The Bible in James 1:19 admonishes us to “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” (NIV)

The Bible has much more to say about anger, though. We are wise to consider the advice of those who have gone before us and have seen the damage that anger, haste, and hurtful words have caused.

Proverbs 14:29 “Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.” (NIV)

Proverbs 14:17a “A quick-tempered person does foolish things…”  (NIV)

Proverbs 16:32 “Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” (ESV)

Proverbs 15:18 “The quickly angered man stirs up contention, but anyone who controls his temper calms a dispute.” (ISV)

Proverbs 19:11 “Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.” (NLT)

Proverbs 29:11 “Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise brings calm in the end.” (NIV)

Proverbs 29:22 “An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins.” (NIV)

Proverbs 10:12 “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all transgressions.” (NASB)

Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (NIV)

Ephesians 4:26-27 “And ‘don’t sin by letting anger control you,’ Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.”(NLT)

Ephesians 4:31-32 “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” (NLT)

Here is James 1:19-20: But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger, for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. (NASB)

I know you are angry; you are hurt; you are bitter. Sometimes, you feel like you cannot contain all the rage you feel. You want to explode, blasting harsh, cruel, and hurtful things at the person who has deeply betrayed you. I have been there, and I made the same mistakes. I learned the hard way. At times, I hated my husband. I could not stand to be in the same room with him. I insulted him, screamed at him, called him ugly names, and slammed doors in his face. I verbally attacked him with all I could muster, and, believe me, it was not difficult to find ways to hurt him. But, you know what? In doing all of those things, though you may think they were justifiable after what he did to me, I sinned. I sinned because I let my anger, pain, and bitterness control me instead of exercising self-control, which is one fruit of the Spirit. I sinned because I did not treat my husband as I wanted to be treated, which is what Jesus would have had me do. I sinned because I was not kind, gentle, or forgiving. In my foolishness, I created more strife and conflict in my marriage when Jesus was calling me to be a peace-maker. Instead of being a minister of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18), I was sowing seeds of discord, which further plunged me into bitterness, wrath, and resentment.

The brutal truth is that I was disobedient to God when I acted and spoke in anger. Never mind what my husband did. My husband’s actions towards me were NOT a righteous reason for me to lash out at him. I alone was responsible for how I responded to my husband; I had a choice, and I made the wrong choice by giving in to the enormous rage that I felt and letting it all out on multiple occasions. It accomplished nothing good. NOTHING. All it did was stir up more conflict and create more negative feelings. My angry and foolish words did not help me, my husband, or my marriage. Not one bit.

Here’s the thing about anger—it grows and morphs into something so horribly ugly and destructive if you let it control you. Anger, bitterness, resentment and rage are all spiritual cancer. Avoid them. Anger gives the devil a foothold in your life. We already know that Satan desires to steal, kill and destroy, and anger is one of the tools he uses. Anger that is not addressed and resolved in a biblical, God-honoring way will destroy you. It will make you a bitter, scornful person who refuses to forgive and walk in the love of Christ. Anger will keep you from having the blessings that God wants to shower upon you. Anger will imprison you. The apostle Paul states in one of his epistles that we need to get rid of every ROOT of anger and bitterness. Get rid of the root. To get rid of the root, you have to do some digging, and the digging may be painful and hard, but it is necessary. Examine yourself. Admit that you are angry; confess it to God. He understands! Agree with God that your anger will not accomplish anything good and ask Him to help you control your anger. Ask Him to help you speak in love and kindness to your husband, instead of repaying evil with evil. Ask Him to give you wisdom, discernment and understanding so that you will not act foolishly. Pray for your husband even when you don’t feel like it. It is hard to remain angry at someone when you are praying for them.

I know where you are. I know it is unbelievably hard to control yourself and not lash out. I know the last thing you want to do is bite your tongue and offer a gentle and Christ-like response to all your husband has done to you. I know how hard it is to just walk out of the room without saying anything rather than saying things you know are hurtful and wrong. I know how hard it is to keep turning the other cheek when your husband just keeps slapping it. Speaking calmly and kindly and extending forgiveness and grace seems impossible. But, as a Christian, you have the power of God inside of you. The same power that raised Jesus from the dead lives in you, so, though it may be hard, it is NOT impossible.

Expect setbacks. There will be times when you blow it. But, do not let those times of failure keep you down. Get back up and keep walking in obedience. Ask God to forgive you and ask your husband to forgive you. Humble yourself so that God can help you. Also, when you feel yourself beginning to get angry, refuse to let your emotions control you. Walk away if you must. Go pray if you must. Learn to recognize when you feel like you are about to lose control, and then take positive steps to avoid creating more pain and discord. Choose to be a peacemaker, a woman of quiet strength, virtue, and godly beauty. The choice is yours, so how are you going to respond?

I didn’t see THAT coming!!!



1. a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.

“she was hot with shame”

synonyms: humiliationmortificationchagrinignominyembarrassment,indignitydiscomfort

Perhaps you are where I used to be. Maybe you hear the whispers behind your back or see the glances that you were not meant to see. Possibly, you feel like you cannot look anyone in the eyes and your head is down from shame. You know that everyone in your church or town know what your spouse did, and you can only imagine what people must think about you.

Do any of these phrases ring true for you? “She is stupid for staying with him.” “She must not have much self-esteem or self-confidence if she is staying with him after what he did.” “There must be something she did wrong.” “This is somehow her fault.” “She must think she deserves what happened, otherwise she would leave.” “She’s too scared that she can’t make it without him.” “She is a glutton for punishment.” Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera…

When my husband cheated on me, I was not surprised to feel angry, afraid, confused, bitter, and depressed. Shame, on the other hand, took me totally by surprise. As a matter of fact, several months passed before I realized that what I was feeling was shame. Once I realized this, I was confused. Why was I feeling so much shame? I was the innocent one. I had done nothing wrong. I struggled to understand it.

At one point, I grew so distressed over what I imagined people were thinking and saying about me that I confided in a good Christian friend of mine. I knew she would be honest with me. I told her how I felt so ashamed, like people were judging me for what my husband did and that people thought I must be an idiot for not leaving him. As I talked to her, she began to shake her head. Once I finished, she said, “Oh, no, no, no. I don’t see it that way at all. I, for one, have nothing but respect for you. I totally respect your decision and I have come to have enormous respect for you.” She also told me that people who knew me and knew my heart understood my choice. In time, I discovered that at first, many friends and family thought I should leave my husband and could not understand why I stayed with him. Eventually, though, family and friends revealed to me that they had come to have a lot of respect for me and see me in a different light. They had come to respect my decision to stay and try to save my marriage.

Until this time, though, I struggled with shame a lot. I felt like a teenager again—with feelings of not measuring up and not being good enough. There must be something wrong with me. I was somehow inadequate. The feelings of low self-esteem that plagued me in my adolescence were rearing their pestering heads again, and I was taken off guard. I could not stand it. I did not want people talking about me, gossiping or feeling sorry for me. “Poor little (my name) must not think she’s good enough or else she would leave.” I was under almost constant assault by these feelings and thoughts.

I knew what God was telling me to do, but I was extremely preoccupied with what I thought others were thinking or saying about me. In retrospect, on some level, I had begun to believe some of these lies and think these things about myself. Instead of using the Word of God to combat these thoughts, I fell into the trap of trying to reason the thoughts away. I was trying to do for myself what only God could do. I kept myself in the prison of shame for much longer than was necessary because of it.

After I talked to my good friend, my perspective slowly began to change. Maybe some people were thinking and saying some bad things about me. I had no control over that. I did not have the time or energy to continue to worry about such things. The anxiety was weighing too heavily on me, so I had to find a way to resolve the issue in my heart and mind. Slowly, as I sought God and shared my feelings and thoughts with Him, He began to show me that obeying Him and standing firm in my decision would have far greater impact than caving in to pressure from others, whether the pressure was real or imagined. I began to understand that, in the end, it would not matter what others thought of me; what mattered was what God thought of me. He was the one I was going to have to answer to, not men. The situation was one in which I had to trust that God would sort it all out in the end. I could almost hear God whispering, “So what? So what if people talk about you and make fun of you? Get over yourself and stop worrying about it. You know what to do, so do it. I will take care of the rest of it.” I gradually realized that I should not expect people who had not been where I was to understand. If they wanted to gossip, I could not stop them. God would have to deal with that. In the end, God would help my righteousness shine as brightly as the noon day sun (see Psalm 37:5-7). God would defend me if and when I needed a defense.

I will not lie and say this was easy for me. I found it very difficult at first to continue to cast off the nagging feeling of shame and obey God. I could not stand it that others were gossiping about me and making assumptions that were not true. I wrestled with these things even after God spoke to me. I began to understand, however, that I was already trusting God with so many other things so why couldn’t I trust Him with this matter? He was being faithful to handle all the other things so He would be faithful to handle my feelings of shame and to silence those who were speaking about things they did not understand. Once I came to this realization and began to consistently apply it to my life, the relief and freedom I felt were unbelievable! When Satan tried to lead me back to the prison of shame, I now had the key to defeating him. Like Jesus, I exercised authority over him and said, “Get behind me, Satan!” I set my face like flint and walked on. Only now I was walking in freedom, no longer hindered by the chains of fear and shame. So, if you find yourself wrestling with shame, be encouraged! God has given you all you need to conquer it. In Christ, you are MORE than an overcomer (Romans 8:37). Hold on to the truths of God so that you can recognize and destroy the lies of the enemy!

The Biblical Foundation of the Family

The biblical foundation of the family can be traced back to Genesis 1:26, where God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness…”– (Genesis 1:26, NIV). This idea is expanded upon in Genesis 1:27, “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them”—(Genesis 1:27, NIV). What is interesting about Genesis 1:26 is that God refers to himself as “us” rather than “me.” The use of the word “us” indicates the threefold nature of God as expressed in the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Therefore, since God referred to Himself as having three distinct personalities, and since He also stated that man was created in His image, a logical extension is that the family, as being ordained and designed by God, will reflect the threefold nature of God.[1]

Because each person of the Godhead is equal to the other persons, but has a distinct role and relationship to the other two persons of the Trinity, individuals in a family, while equal in worth and as a reflection of the image of God, have distinct roles and responsibilities to God and to each other.[2] God, as the Father, is the ultimate authority, the One who plans, designs, and purposes things according to His pleasure. Jesus, the Son, while being equal to God, submits His will to that of the Father and places Himself under the leadership of the Father. The Holy Spirit, while still possessing the divine essence of God, submits to both the Father and the Son and works to bring glory to each of them. Each person of the Trinity has a separate role, yet each Person works in unity with the others to accomplish the will of God, the Father.[3]  By looking at the roles, responsibilities and relationships that are inherent in the Godhead, husbands, wives, and children can comprehend to a greater extent their unique place within the function of the family.

In the account of the creation of the first man, Adam, “Then the Lord God formed a man out of the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being”—(Genesis 2:7, NIV), Adam was created before the woman, Eve. Because man was created first, he was intended by God to have authority over the woman.[4]  In Ephesians 5:23, the apostle Paul makes it clear that the marriage relationship is a reflection of Christ and the Church, and that just as Christ is the head of the Church and has authority over it, so are husbands the head of their wives and have been given authority over their wives. Husbands are commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the Church (Ephesians 5:25, 28; Colossians 3:19). Husbands are to love their wives in a sacrificial, selfless manner that benefits the wife and helps produce in her godliness and holiness. They also are to serve, nurture, and protect their wives, and to exercise their authority over their wives in love.[5] Wives are to submit to their husbands, respecting them, showing them deference, and honoring them, as an act of submitting to the Lord (Ephesians 5:22). Wives are to recognize the authority and headship of their husbands and should submit to their husbands out of a willing and joyful attitude that is rooted in obedience to and love for God.[6]

Because woman was taken out of the flesh of man, a husband and wife are one flesh: “Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.’ That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh”—(Genesis 2:21-24, NIV).  Because a husband and wife are one flesh, they should operate in unity and harmony, not acting as two separate and autonomous individuals.[7] The husband, in loving his wife, should operate from the understanding that he has been given God appointed authority over his wife, just as God, the Father, has authority over Jesus, the Son, and he will be accountable to God for how he leads his wife. The wife, too, must yield to her husband’s authority out of reverence for God, just as Jesus submitted to the authority of God the Father.

One of the most important purposes of marriage is to produce godly children through which the Christian faith will be transmitted to future generations (Malachi 2:15).[8] Fathers, as the head of the family, are instructed to teach their children the ways of God (Deuteronomy 6:4-9). Based on the instructions to fathers found in Deuteronomy 6, fathers have a sobering responsibility to ensure that their sons and future generations love the Lord and follow His ways. Fathers are instructed by Paul in Ephesians 6:4 to bring up their children in the training and instruction of the Lord. Although God gives fathers ultimate authority over their children in all areas of their lives, wives are to work in unity with their husbands to teach their children the things of God. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it” –(Proverbs 22:6, NKJV). Parents must remember that children are a gift from God (Psalm 127:3). The ESV version of the Bible uses the word “heritage,” which implies a legacy and influence that remains long after the parents have departed from this world. Fathers and mothers should impart truth, wisdom, and the knowledge of God to their children. By teaching their children to obey and submit to them, parents are training their children how to submit to and obey God. As stewards of their children, parents will have to give an account to God for how they train and teach their children.

Children are instructed to obey and honor their parents, submitting to the authority of their parents (Ephesians 6:1-3; Colossians 3:20), just as the Holy Spirit submits to the authority of God the Father and Jesus the Son. Children are promised by God that if they honor their parents, they will have a long and good life (Exodus 20:12). In Proverbs 2:1-5, children are instructed to listen to wisdom and understanding of their parents, and they are encouraged to seek after wisdom with all of their heart and to apply it to their lives.[9]

In summary, God determined the order and organization of the family, and this divine order is supported consistently throughout Scripture. God ordains the husband to be in authority over the wife, and that both the father and mother are to have authority over their children. Just as each person of the Trinity has a distinct role and relationship to the other persons, so does each member of the family have different roles and responsibilities in their relationships to each other and to God. The order of authority in a family begins with God, then is extended to men, then to women, and then to children. When a family operates under the divine order set in place by God, the heart and nature of God are reflected, thus glorifying God.


Ham, Ken, and Steve Ham. 2011. Godly Generations. answersingenesis.org. March 31. Accessed April 13, 2015. https://answersingenesis.org/family/godly-generations/.

Knight, George III. 2005. Husbands and Wives as Analogues of Christ and the Church Ephesians 5:21 and Colossians 3:18-19. Bible.org. April 13. Accessed April 07, 2015.https://bible.org/seriespage/husbands-and-wives-analogues-christ-and-church-ephesians-521-and-colossians-318-19.

Mitchell, Mike. “Proverbs 2 as a Metamodel for Child Discipleship” (video). Lecture, Liberty University, Lynchburg, VA, 2012.

Stinson, Randy, and Timothy P. Jones. 2011. Trained in the Fear of God: Family Ministry in Theological, Historical, and Practical Perspective. Grand Rapids, MI: Kregel Publications.


[1] Randy Stinson and Timothy P. Jones, Trained in the Fear of God: Family Ministry in Theological, Historical, and Practical Perspective (Grand Rapids, MI: Kregel Publications, 2011).

[2] ibid.

[3] Stinson, Randy, and Timothy P. Jones. Trained in the Fear of God: Family Ministry in Theological, Historical, and Practical Perspective. Grand Rapids, MI: Kregel Publications, 2011.

[4] George Knight III, “Husbands and Wives as Analogues of Christ and the Church Ephesians 5:21 and Colossians 3:18-19,” bible.org, April 13, 2005, accessed April 07, 2015, https://bible.org/seriespage/husbands-and-wives-analogues-christ-and-church-ephesians-521-and-colossians-318-19.

[5] Ibid.

[6] Ibid

[7] George Knight III, “Husbands and Wives as Analogues of Christ and the Church Ephesians 5:21 and Colossians 3:18-19,” bible.org, April 13, 2005, accessed April 07, 2015, https://bible.org/seriespage/husbands-and-wives-analogues-christ-and-church-ephesians-521-and-colossians-318-19.

[8] Ken Ham and Steve Ham, “Godly Generations,” Answers in Genesis, March 31, 2011, accessed April 13, 2015, https://answersingenesis.org/family/godly-generations/.

[9] Mike Mitchell, “Proverbs 2 as a Metamodel for Child Discipleship” (video of lecture, Liberty University, Lynchburg, VA, 2012).

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